“VIII. I Feel Like I’m Winning 

“And so, asking what the source of my judgment was when I made such judgments, I discovered the unchangeable and true eternity of truth above my changeable mind.”

Something changed. My character stayed the same, it became more strongly etched. But I lost what had been a personal ambition. I fell in love with a woman who worked with data; she could process what I said and turn into data, so I fell in love with data too. 

You speak through numbers and words. If we listen, we can hear the truth. But the numbers aren’t the truth, you are. Words and numbers are the sheet music of the universe, notation of your work. 

I started to take numbers seriously. Now I combined my disdain with numbers. If smoking is the leading cause of death in America, why do we allow a market in the product? 

Even in public health, this question was considered goofy. Those in power opposed this sentiment.

I found my calling. Telling the truth. This was not a good strategy, but it fit my character. I pressed and then I was punished. My loyalty was to the data, not to her.  

Things were different. My selfishness had attached itself to the truth. Inflicting that would become my brand. 

Catching them in their lies and hypocrisy was deeply satisfying; but this was not a way to pay the bills. I was Columbo. 

There was a switch, my ego attached to righteousness. Those years were about Copernicus; can’t you see the math?

But it didn’t matter. 

In the end, people chose themselves. I appealed to their interests, but I was ineffective. I was left with myself, and being right. That isn’t enough.

“All these things penetrated my inmost parts in wondrous ways”

To January 3